“Things fall apart; the center cannot hold; Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world, The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere The ceremony of innocence is drowned; The best lack all conviction, while the worst Are full of passionate intensity” — William Butler Yeats
More and more I realize that I cannot stay cloistered in the same cocoon that I have been in more or less for the last three years. The relationships and habits that have formed the warm, safe, if dysfunctional patchwork quilt I have wrapped around my life for the last couple of years is wearing thin, falling apart–like Jr.s “boy quilt.”
And yet, I have no clear idea of where to go and what to do next. Only the sure certainty that the path has already been laid beneath my feet. And once again, I will be called to “hit the ground running.”
It becomes clearer and clearer that Kat1972 has outlived herself as a separate being. So has sad little Tina B. More fuel for the phoenix pyre, I suppose. They are inner resources that no longer need a distinct external expression. It is time for me to draw in all these “identities” that are all different parts of myself, all true, yet none the whole picture, and focus on the whole picture.
I didn’t know I was wise until someone called Kat1972 “wise.” And I still didn’t believe it until I heard it again and again–and then I thought it was only that “persona” who was wise, that somehow in logging onto a message board I tapped into some avatar of wisdom outside myself. But this last week, when someone IRL called me wise (actually, a whole group of someones, but that’s not important) something clicked. I didn’t dodge the statement. I accepted it.
“Kat” is wise and has a gift for words, for explaining things so that complicated ideas come across more simply. “Tina” is vulnerable and vain, girly and mainstream–and is incredibly creative, hopeful and imaginative. These are all truths about me that I had to get to know through giving them their own special voice. Of course, this wasn’t a conscious or intentional thing. It just worked out that way.
And now, Kat will disappear quietly. No one really needs her anymore; and frankly I need her resources pulled into the fold of my real life.