I had a very quiet drive to work today, and that was intentional. I also had one of the first GOOD mornings I’ve had in what feels like a really long time.
Over the last couple of months, I keep coming back to this concept of signal versus noise. So many of the stupid human tricks and other foibles I see around me are basically the spiritual equivalent of the white noise generator I’ve got in Maddie’s room: Let’s all fill up our heads and environment with buzzing and twirping till we can’t hear the small, clear signal of our consciences anymore. And then the consequences of ignoring that still, small, clear signal turn up it’s volume. So we bring in more noise to drown it out. Till our lives reach rock concert decibel levels in terms of the noise and distraction and chaos and drama we’ve filled them up with in order to keep ignoring that signal.
Well, this morning I quit. I quit ignoring it. And one tiny step at a time, I started responding to it. I started dancing to the music, awkwardly and goofily right now, instead of drowning it out. I got out of bed early enough to not be short with my kids getting ready. Early enough to eat a peaceful breakfast with Chris. Early enough to take a stroll around the lake at the park before diving into the craziness of my new job. I washed the breakfast dishes instead of leaving them for “later.”
Heck, I shined my sink. Flylady would be proud. Maybe it IS time I start “finally loving myself” enough to submit to some order and peace.