Admit it. You knew I’d start reviewing episodes of LOST here, eventually.
And if you’ve been watching all these past four seasons, you knew they were going to go the time-travel route. They’ve been hinting about it from Season 1.
And if you knew those two things were coming, then maybe you know more about the future than you think you do. Heck, maybe some nerdy tie-wearing scientist is going to tell you, at some future date, that all this was destined to occur.
And I’m sure you’ll look positively smashing in that Dharma jumpsuit and gas mask ensemble.
Now, let’s get on with it, shall we?
“Because You Left,” the first of the two episodes, picked up right where last season’s finale ended. I’m going to treat it and “The Lie” as one long episode, for the sake of brevity and because it’s been two days and I can’t remember what was in each episode. The very beginning shows the doctor from all the Dharma videos getting up and taking care of a baby, and then going to shoot another orientation film. Some workers show up freaked out because where they’re drilling to build the Orchid station, the drill bits are melting and a worker is holding his head and wigging out. Doctor Dharma tells them to stop drilling, because if they go one more centimeter, they’ll release “limitless energy” and “God help us all.”
You’d think they’d put a big “LIMITLESS ENERGY- DO NOT DRILL HERE OR GOD HELP US ALL” notation on the schematics and blueprints, but whatever. I’m guessing OSHA did not have jurisdiction over the Dharma Initiative.
Oh, and Doctor Dharma bumps into a worker on his way out who turns out to be tie-lovin’ physicist Daniel Faraday.
Back in L.A., Ben and Jack pack up dead Locke and his coffin. They head to the local Motel 6 to plan their elaborate strategy to collect the rest of the Oceanic 6 and shuttle them back to Mystery Island, and to put Jack through the fastest drug rehab program in history.
Jack: Where are my pills?
Ben: I flushed them down the toilet.
Jack: Cool. I was totally just about to do that.
Ben: I figured.
Congratulations, Jack! You’re now certified drug-free and ready to save the world from certain destruction! Moving on.
Kate gets a friendly visit from some attorneys (which is always a bad sign when you’re on probation for murder) and apparently they know that Aaron is not so much her biological son as a kid she ended up on a raft with in the middle of the Indian Ocean.
Kate packs up Turniphead, looks longingly at a picture of Jack and Turniphead together, and becomes The Fugitive 2.0: Minivan Soccer Mom edition.
She stops at a Quik-E-Mart, and gets a call from Sun, who is in L.A. on business after getting detained briefly by Daddy Widmore, who gives her the verbal smackdown for disrespecting him in front of his business colleagues. (How dare she hand him a business card in broad daylight! The nerve!)
He asks her what their “common interests” are, and instead of going with the obvious answer of “Manipulating and lying to our loved ones, while secretly being scary as heck,” she says “Killing Ben Linus.” Okay. We’ll go with that common interest for now.
Hurley and Sayid, having just broken out of the mental institution and shot some guy who was parked outside with a gun, go to a “Safe House,” which a broken piece of Scotch tape over the door informs Sayid, is not so safe anymore. He pulls out his awesome Iraqi ninja moves and kills the two assailants, one by flipping him off a balcony and one by tossing him onto an open dishwasher drawer where a wide selection of lovely Ginsu knives had been neatly placed, blades up.
(Note: I don’t have a dishwasher, but if I did, I would henceforth ALWAYS put my Ginsu knives in it blades up, as it apparently makes an AWESOME lo-fi home security device. Oh, and I’m putting Scotch tape over my door whenever I leave from now on. You can’t be too careful.)
Sadly, before he completes his Ninja moves, one of the assailants shoots him a few times with tranquilizer darts, leaving Hurley to execute a fairly impressive fireman’s carry to their waiting minivan. During all this, a bystander snaps a cell phone pic of Hurley holding a gun, and thus within 5 minutes, he’s wanted for triple-homicide.
Back on Craphole Island, Sawyer and Juliet try to calm down a freaked-out Rose, Bernard and the rest of the castaways because suddenly their entire camp just up and disappeared. Daniel and his raft of refugees arrive in mid-freakout to not explain what’s happening, but to insist that they all go to the nearest man-made structure, which turns out to also be the nearest man-destroyed structure, the Swan Hatch.
On the way, Sawyer demands Daniel’s shirt (but not the tie), fails to get it, and slaps him into giving some kind of explanation of what’s going on. Which is apparently, once Ben turned the frozen donkey wheel, either the Island started skipping around through time, or the castaways did. Their camp didn’t disappear, it either hasn’t been built yet or is long-since destroyed. They get to the hatch to find it un-exploded and still all full of Desmond.
Sawyer beats on the hatch back door, hoping to score some Dharma beer, but Daniel says to give up, it won’t work.
Oh, and they can’t go back and kill Hitler or anything like that, first of all because they’re not in Germany, and second, because you can’t change the past. Supposedly. But I’m a little skeptical about that because immediately after insisting they can’t change the past or the future, Daniel smacks on the door of the hatch after everyone leaves to go back to the beach, and tells Desmond, “Should you get rescued, go to Oxford and find my mom.”
Shortly after that, the castaways on the beach get attacked with flaming arrows, make a run for it, get separated, and then Sawyer and Juliet get attacked by what looked and sounded like WWII-era British military dudes. Just before Juliet gets her hand chopped off to make a point, Locke displays some of his awesome knive-throwing skillz from Season 1, and saves the day.
Prior to this, Locke had been running around all alone, wondering where the heck his new tribe of Others went, when he saw Eko’s drug plane crash and got shot in the leg by Ethan.
After another time skip, Richard of the dark eyeliner showed up, performed high-speed triage on the bullet wound, and handed John a compass so the next time they met, Richard wouldn’t also try to kill him. Because the next time they meet, Richard won’t know who the heck John is. Oh, and he tells him that the only way to save the island is to bring back the Oceanic 6, and to do that, John’s gonna have to die. Bummer for you, man. And then he disappears.
Back in the real world, or rather L.A., which I’m not sure qualifies as “the real world,” but anyway, Sun meets up with Kate and lays on a major guilt trip about leaving Jin to die. And maybe it’s just me, but it seemed like she was suggesting that Kate ought to just kill those pesky lawyers. Then she smiles sweetly and asks how Jack’s doing. Maybe it’s just me, but if I were Kate, I would politely decline Sun’s offer of a playdate between Aaron and Ji Yeon. Because Sun is acting, well, evil.
Jack is apparently still a little discombobulated from the high-speed rehab, but Ben tells him go home and pack his stuff, because he’s leaving this life and never coming back. Jack is down with that, since what with the drug addiction, seeing dead people, breaking up with Kate, and suicide attempts, coming home wasn’t all he was hoping it would be.
Ben says he’s going to take Locke’s body somewhere safe, which seems odd to Jack, who says “He’s dead, isn’t he?” and Ben refuses to answer, which knowing Ben, is pretty much tantamount to saying “He’ll be up and dancing the Tarantella by Season 6.”
Hurley takes tranquilized Sayid to his parents’ house, after getting pulled over for driving erratically by the ghost of Ana Lucia, who tells him to get some new clothes, take Jack to someone he trusts, and stay away from the police. Oh, and that Libby says “Hi.” (I swear to God. I did not make any of that up.)
Hurley gets his dad to take Sayid to Jack, since he’s sort of barely breathing and his mom mistakes him for a dead Pakistani on her couch. While Cheech is delivering Sayid to Jack for some medical care, Hurley recaps what really happened after the crash to his mom, who says she believes him.
Jack calls Ben while working on Sayid, and tells him to go pick up Hurley. But unfortunately, before he got hit by the tranquilizer dart, Sayid told Hurley that whatever Ben tells you to do, do the opposite.
So when Ben goes by to pick up Hurley, Hurley flings a Hot Pocket at him and then runs out into the street and turns himself in to the police. So apparently, Sayid should have added “Unless the ghost of Ana Lucia tells you not to do whatever is the opposite of what Ben says, in which case just hold tight and wait for someone who’s not crazy to come by and tell you what you should do.”
This throws a major monkey wrench in Ben’s plans, apparently. After dropping Locke’s body off with Jill the Butcher Shop Lady (not kidding about that, either) he goes somewhere to meet with Unusually Hostile Jewelry Store Lady from Desmond’s first little jaunt into the past.
She apparently has her own Dharma hatch in the basement, where she uses a pendulum and some 80’s era computers to calculate “Event Windows.” She tells Ben he better figure out a way to get the O6 back to the Island in 70 hours, or “God help us all.”