I didn’t manage to do a recap of last week’s exposition-palooza, due to going on a short weekend trip with the family. (We went to See Rock City. Had a great time. Thanks for asking.)
But, it’s all to the good, because that means I can start doing LOST posts the day after the last episode. And also because these two particular episodes, looked at together, lead to my new Theory of LOST. Which I am going to expound for you shortly. Because “crazy theories” > “recaps.” And because Mark Dykeman‘s been asking for my LOST theories since forever and I’ve only got 15 episodes left to oblige.
Superfast Reader’s Digest condensed version of The Substitute: Ilana, Ben, Sun and Lapidus take dead Locke’s decomposing and fairly ripe body to Boone Hill for interment. Ben gives possibly the shortest and most inappropriately-assigned eulogy EVER (“John Locke was a good man. I’m sorry I murdered him. The end.”) Ilana reveals that Smokey can’t turn into any other human form but Locke’s now. (“He’s stuck like this now.”) Well, geez, Ilana, I know there are a bunch of young hottie guys on the Island, but Locke was pretty good looking for a bald older dude…
Meanwhile, Smokey picks up a drunk Sawyer and takes him on a little trek to a cliffside cave where lots of peoples’ names, including most of our survivors, are written next to some of the numbers. The dead ones are crossed out. He tells him that the names are candidates–people Jacob thought could take over his job of protecting the Island. Smokey insists that it’s just an island and doesn’t need protecting, and tells Sawyer he can either do nothing, take up the job, or get the heck outta dodge with Smokey. Sawyer votes for option 3. Along the way, a blood-covered, semi-invisible kid that only Smokey and Sawyer can see reminds Smokey that he can’t kill Sawyer. And Alpert attempts to warn Sawyer that Smokey is a really bad guy.
Off Island, Locke is getting ready to marry Helen (aka Peg Bundy). He is apparently on decent “you’re invited to the wedding” terms with his dad, so either (A) Cooper isn’t responsible for his paralysis, (B) this Locke worked the HECK outta those anger management classes and is CRAZY forgiving, and/or (C) Locke has another “dad” in this reality (probably an adopted dad or Stepfather). He got fired from his box company job for ditching a seminar to attempt the walkabout, but runs into Hurley, who owns it and a temp agency and is in a typically generous mood. Rose, the manager at Hurley’s temp agency, gives him an inspiring pep talk: “You think you’ve got problems? I’ve got terminal cancer! Top that! So just shut up and deal with the fact that you’re not Mr. Manly Construction Supervisor!” (As an aside, I’m guessing ALT Locke is as fond of those new Old Spice ads as my husband is.) He accepts a less manly, but still doable if you’re a paraplegic, job as a substitute teacher. His first day he coaches girls basketball, teaches sex ed, and meets… (da-DUM!) Dr. Ben Linus, history teacher and coffee snob. Who hopefully will not murder him with one of those orange electrical cords this time around, because those things are ALL OVER most high schools I’ve ever been to.
Superfast Reader’s Digest condensed version of The Lighthouse:
Dogen and Jack have a little talk where they generally appreciate each other’s honesty. These two appear to be on their way to BFF status, despite Dogen’s tendency to torture and/or poison Jack’s close friends. Jacob tells Hurley he needs to get Jack to sneak out of the temple with him and gives him fuel from Jack’s borked up childhood to motivate him. Along the way, they run into Kate, who is still looking for Claire. They tell her that Claire’s definitely not at the beach camp, but that the Temple others say something undefined-but-probably-awful happened to her. They part ways.
After a quick pit stop at the caves where they find Shannon’s missing inhaler and ponder the mystery of the skeletons, they end up at a lighthouse. The magic mirrors in the lighthouse don’t just reflect flames to guide passing boats, they also let you spy on people (presumably candidates) who are living off the island. Jack freaks out to see his own childhood home in the mirror at position 23. Hurley promised Jack that Jacob would be waiting with an answer download similar to what Smokey gave Sawyer last week. Unfortunately, Jacob fails to show, and Jack has a conniption and breaks the mirrors. That’s when Jacob shows up, seems unperturbed about the broken mirrors, and says they have to let Jack figure out for himself what he’s supposed to do, because unlike Hurley, Jack doesn’t take direction well. And that mainly, he just needed to get the two of them out of the Temple because someone really bad is coming there. And I think we’ve firmly established, Smokey = someone really bad.
Claire is in some funky wigwam with Jin and Other Justin, who was only faking dead. Apparently, Claire has left LOST, and is now starring in a John Carpenter movie that exists within LOST. She is severely mentally bent and has a bassinet with some deeply messed-up voodoo baby doll in it. With a skull of some sort for a head. Right. She tells Jin she’s been hanging out with her Dad and her “Friend,” and the Others took Aaron and tortured her. Justin says she’s remembering it wrong. Jin tells her Kate took Aaron. She axe murders Justin, and then Jin backpedals. He tells her he was just making up the “Kate has your kid” thing, which Claire says is fortunate, because if that were true, she’d have to axe murder Kate. Oh, and her “Friend” (is anyone else hearing Halloween music right now?) shows up. Not surprisingly, it’s Smokey.
Off the Island, Jack is divorced and has a tween son named David who is roughly as articulate and forthcoming as mine (which is to say, not.) He helps his mom find his dad’s will (although the coffin and body are still missing). Apparently, his dad left Claire something in the will. Odds of ALT Jack working at the hospital where ALT Claire is currently waiting for ALT Ethan to deliver her baby? 100%. Jack then has to track down David, who has apparently snuck out to audition for Fame with his mad piano playing skillz. They have a touching father-son moment, where Jack tells David that in his eyes, he can never fail. Circle of horrendously bad parenting broken. Boo-Ya!
Kat’s Latest Theory of LOSTwill have to wait till later, as this double-recap is pretty long already. The short version: LOST = The Book of Job. Talk amongst yourselves.