You may be thinking “How does she manage to cram two or three episodes of LOST into one post?”
Truthfully, my ability to condense complex information in an entertaining fashion is LEGEND, people. More than one person has told me I missed my calling, working for Reader’s Digest, because I can sum up ANYTHING. Last summer, I managed to summarize the entire run of the series up to that point for my youngest sister in a half hour. Sure, it wasn’t Lost in 8:15 brief, but I’m pretty sure she enjoyed my retelling more than Hurley’s mom enjoyed his.
Daniel, Miles, Charlotte, and a lot of red shirts who’d survived the attack of the flaming arrows regroup at the creek, since that’s where Sawyer yelled they should go. Sawyer and Juliet aren’t there, having been detained by some British-accented, WWII-era fatigue clad gentlemen, most of whom were dispatched by Locke and whatever is left of his 400 knives from Season 1.
Unfortunately, since Sawyer yelled out “meet up at the creek” the bad guys pretty much knew exactly where everyone was going. Which might have mattered even more, had most of the red shirts not managed to blow themselves up by tripping over some land mines. Ouch. At any rate, several arrow-wielding folks show up to collect Daniel, Charlotte and Miles, led by a cheeky blonde woman with yet another British accent.
Juliet, Sawyer and Locke discover that hand-chopping fatigue guys are Others when one starts speaking Latin to the other, which is apparently the Official Language of Enlightened Others. Juliet tries to convince them to take them to the Others’ present camp, where Richard evidently is still keeping up his kickbutt skincare regimen, and when one starts to give directions, the other quickly breaks his neck (although not with his feet, so Sayid is still the Grand Master of Neck Breaking) and bolts into the woods.
With some ghost-whispering help from Miles, Detective Daniel pieces together that they’re in the 50s, and that the Others think they’re with the U.S. Military on a mission to extract Jughead–a leftover hydrogen bomb from America’s Pacific testing program. He also realizes, thanks to some radiation burns on a random Other, that the bomb is a little cracked, and offers to “render it inert.”
Sawyer, Juliet and Locke arrive at the camp just in time to see Daniel getting marched off into the jungle by Perky British Blonde Other Ellie. Sawyer and Juliet opt to go rescue the geek, while Locke goes to Old Otherton (not to be confused with New Otherton) to pick up his conversation with Richard. Richard is understandably skeptical when Locke tells him that he’s his leader, but agrees to talk after Locke shows him the compass. When Richard says the process of discovering their leader starts young, Locke tells him when and where he’ll be born in a couple of years, and says to look him up. So now we know that the answer to “Why was creepy Richard standing outside baby Locke’s hospital room?” is “Because Locke told him to.” Weird, eh?
Daniel tells Ellie that they should just bury the bomb in concrete and lead, and everything will be fine because, after all, the island is still there in 50 years. Sawyer and Juliet show up to rescue him, just before another flash transmits the whole Scooby gang out of the 50s.
They bounce around several more times. Each time, Charlotte gets a crazy nosebleed, and eventually so does everyone else. Sawyer sees Kate deliver Claire’s baby from behind a bush, and keeps quiet till she flashes away. Locke chooses not to go to his past self and tell him that the light that comes out of the hatch is just Desmond. They jump to some undisclosed future date, to find the beach camp ransacked, and steal one of two outrigger canoes to try to make it to the Orchid station.
Locke thinks that if they get to the Orchid station, he can stop the flashes, which they’re pretty sure are going to kill them all otherwise.
After setting out in the canoe, they start getting shot at by some folks in the other canoe who are in hot pursuit. Here’s a thought, gang. If you’re going to steal someone’s canoe, at the very least, disable the other one so you can’t be followed. I think this is the island version of letting the air out of the police car’s tires before jacking a car. I can’t believe Sawyer, or possibly Miles, didn’t think of this. They must be getting soft.
As they’re getting shot at, another flash takes them to a dark and stormy night. Yes, it was a dark and stormy night. How many times do you have a legitimate reason to write that? But I digress.
In the same dark, stormy night, we see a life raft with a bunch of French people in it. Or at least, a bunch of people shouting French. I guess they could be Canadiens. But since we’re pretty sure they’re Danielle Rousseau and her team, let’s just go with “they’re French.”
They see a body on some debris, which turns out to be an unconscious-but-not-dead Jin. Who is even more confused than usual when he wakes up, because not only does he not speak French, he has no clue he’s in 1988.
Back in LA, Jack gets a call from Hurley, who is happily incarcerated away from Ben. A guy dressed in scrubs tries once again to fill Sayid with tranquilizer darts, but this one’s not fast enough. After Sayid takes him down, he, Jack and Ben (who arrived on the scene in the interim) discover Kate’s address in his pocket. Jack calls Kate, who is staking out the lawyer who threatened to take away Aaron.
Sayid and Ben take off in a carpet cleaning van emblazoned with “Ranier-Canton” (an anagram for “reincarnation”), to see if they can spring Hurley. Jack goes to meet up with Kate.
Meanwhile, Sun, who is babysitting Aaron for Kate, receives a package containing photos of Jack with Ben, and the Whitman’s Sampler – Guns n’ Chocolate Collection.
After a somewhat cool redirect, where we’re supposed to think that Claire’s mom is the one trying to lay claim to Turniphead, we discover she’s really just there for a settlement check from Oceanic, and just happens to have the same lawyer.
Mr. Attorney is a busy guy, because he then shows up in a parking garage to tell Ben and Sayid that the D.A. has no case against Hurley, and he’ll be released in the morning. So any doubt we had that Ben is the one trying to steal Aaron from Kate is pretty much toast at this point.
Everybody meets up at Pier 23 (I guess Piers 4, 8, 15, and 42 were taken). Jack once again breaks out his “We’ve gotta get the band back together!” pitch to Kate, who freaks out upon seeing Ben, and immediately pegs him as the one behind the legal maneuvering. Jack starts to defend Ben, who interrupts him to say “Yeah, it’s totally me. Sorry, Jack.”
Back on the island, Jin and Rousseau’s team decide to go to the radio antenna, and then from there to Jin’s camp, where he thinks Sun will be. Before they get there, Smoky attacks the group and drags Montand down into a hole beneath some kind of ancient stone temple. They try to keep him from getting pulled down, but the monster rips him away, leaving them all holding… (wait for it)… Montand’s arm.
YES!!! I knew Damon and Carlton weren’t going to leave me hanging on that one!
All the team, except the pregnant Rousseau at Jin’s insistence, go in after armless Montand. And then Jin disappears, and reappears a couple of months later, just in time to see Rousseau have to shoot her lover Robert. Apparently, she didn’t just go nuts and kill her team like Sayid thought, because Robert totally did try to kill her. But just as she told Sayid way back in “Solitary,” he didn’t notice she’d removed the firing pin.
I will now take a moment to mock all those who said the writers were making all this up as they went along and didn’t have a plan of some kind. SET UP IN SEASON 1. PAID OFF IN SEASON 5. BOO-YAH!