LOST Recap: LA X

People seemed to enjoy the recaps I did last year of the season opener and season finale, and more importantly, I really enjoyed writing them.  So for those who didn’t enjoy them, skip this one and sit tight till tomorrow’s non-LOST-related post.

Here we go again, diving into the final season of LOST with our expectations sky high, and our tongues planted firmly in our cheeks.

Were you wondering why the screen turned white after Juliet called the hydrogen bomb a sonofabitch with her dying breath, and beat it with a rock?

Me neither, but now we know–because the next thing we see is a fluffy bank of white clouds outside…the window of Jack’s seat on Oceanic 815.

I somehow doubt his fuzzy, confused expression was caused by the weak airline cocktail or the bank of clouds that looked EXACTLY like a bunny.

Speaking of weak airline cocktails, the first clue to sharp-eyed (aka “completely obsessed”) viewers that perhaps this isn’t a flashback (other than the broad hints they were lobbing at us from every possible direction for the last four episodes of Season 5) is that Cindy hands Jack only one extra bottle of vodka.

Shortly thereafter, things start shaking.  But it’s a fake-out shake-out, because this plane? Isn’t going down.

A remarkably calm Rose tells Jack he can let go.

Then Bernard shows up, followed shortly thereafter by… DESMOND!

So we’ve now cleared up for even the really slow among us, that this is not a flashback to the Oceanic 815 flight we remember.  And also, that blowing up the bomb was not the laser-precise method for fixing everyone’s screwed up lives that Faraday, Jack and crew may have been hoping it would be.

Shockingly, if a butterfly fluttering its wings in Tokyo can give you bad weather in NYC, then blowing up the core of a hydrogen bomb over a pocket of unstable electromagnetic energy on an island of mystery can result in changing your coach seats on a pan-Pacific flight.

And also change you from a guy who is convinced he’s cursed to a happy-go-lucky fried chicken magnate.

Or change you from a dark, cynical, vengeance-driven tortured soul into a chipper, if reserved, guy full of polite, helpful advice and completely lacking the ability to come up with sarcastic nicknames on the spot.

Of course, if you were on your way to the Pen, you might still be on your way there…

…then again, you might just pickpocket some guy’s pen to jimmy the lock on your handcuffs later.

But unfortunately, as the other flashes showed us, there was more than one side to this spinning coin of fate (or free will).

Back on Craphole Island, the 1.0 versions of our castaways were having a rough way to go.

We (and they) had to watch Juliet speak her last words, again.  (“Sonofabitch!”)

And again.  (“I have to tell you something.  It’s really really important.”)

And again, via Miles, after they buried her. (“It worked!”)

If it weren’t so sad, it would have been a little Monty Python.  Or Princess Bride.

Both timelines showed how much has changed, and how much hasn’t, since we first met the passengers of Oceanic 815.

From a purely plot-related standpoint, here’s what you missed (if you missed it):

• There are apparently two parallel timelines now.  In one of these, Oceanic 815 didn’t crash and the Island has become the decorative plastic landscaping within the aquarium that is the Pacific Ocean.
• Oceanic 815 2.0 apparently took off with Desmond on it this time, but without Shannon. Possibly without Michael, WALT! (and presumably Vincent), Libby, Eko or Ana Lucia.
• In this reality, Charlie either accidentally choked on a bag of drugs trying to hide it, or failed at attempted suicide.  So apparently, there is no reality in which Charlie Pace is a competent and skilled individual.
• Jack and Sayid save him using only a borrowed Bic pen and their bare hands.  Thus implying that these guys would make the cut for the Mission Impossible team in any reality.
• Ah, the Oceanic ground crew.  On one hand, they LOST Christian Shepard’s coffin.  They also lost Locke’s suitcase of 400 knives.  Then again, maybe some Oceanic employee screened it and thought “No way am I putting a suitcase with 400 knives in it on a plane!”
• This coincidence of inconvenience leads to a really touching scene in the “LOST & found” office, wherein Locke and Jack ponder the afterlife together, and Jack offers to fix Locke’s irreversible spinal injury.  Because, well, Mission Impossible and all that…
• Kate escapes the remarkably-easy-to-dupe marshal at the airport using a pen she stole from Jack, and hijacks Claire’s cab at gunpoint.  (Kate: Also an excellent candidate for the Impossible Mission Force.  J.J. Abrams–I’m talking to you, here, buddy.)
• Back on the Island, the bomb, in addition to creating an Other timeline, slingshots the 1977 castaways back to 2007.
• We get confirmation that He Who Is Not Locke is also the Man In Black, who is also the Smoke Monster.  He is apparently very disappointed in the Others, doesn’t much care for Richard Alpert, and would make an AWESOME contestant on Ultimate Fighter.
• We also get confirmation that the ash that encircled the probably-misnamed Jacob’s Cabin creates some sort of barrier to the Smoke Monster.  It does not, however, prevent death-by-klutziness.  If you were a fan of Bram, the burly associate of Ilana, sorry.  Smoke Monster fodder, dudes.
• Jacob (still dead from last season) visits Hurley and instructs him to get directions to the Temple from Jin, and transport gut-shot Sayid there to save him.
• Sawyer threatens to kill Jack if Juliet dies (again).  Juliet dies (again).  Sawyer changes his mind, figuring being stuck on the Island is better punishment.
• After going to the Temple, a hostile Asian man and his interpreter almost shoot the castaways, but are saved at the last minute by a piece of paper inside an IKEA decorative ankh in Hurley’s guitar case.  (Sorry.  Even in bullet list form, there’s no way to make that any simpler.)
• The Temple Others are apparently dunkers, as opposed to sprinklers.  (Sorry, Southern Baptist joke.  Couldn’t resist.)  They attempt to save Sayid by drowning him in their baptistry.
• Sayid dies, but apparently he was only mostly dead.

More next week after tonight’s episode.  Toodles!

(all images courtesy Lost-Media.com, except the one from Titanic, which is (C) Paramount Pictures.)