It all comes down to holding on and letting go.
I’ve been dealing with a little more existential angst than usual (and for me, that’s a lot) lately. I can’t seem to shake this feeling that I’m not where I’m supposed to be. Or perhaps, that I am where I’m supposed to be, but that I need to have a little sit-down with me, myself and I, about where to go from here. I can see the person I say I want to be. She’s right there. All I have to do is just be that person. For once in my life, I’m not waiting on someone or something else to be able to do exactly what I say I want to do.
I’m just waiting on me.
It reminds me of standing at the edge of the swimming pool. You think you know how to swim. I mean, seriously. You’ve done all the parts of learning to swim. You’ve learned to float. You’ve practiced the motion with floaties. You’ve learned how to breathe right. You just haven’t ever put all the pieces together, dived in, and actually done it. And now, you’re not so sure you can. Or that you should. Maybe you should forget about swimming and take up croquet.
Becoming the person you want to be means letting go of the person you think you are now.
I’m missing a friend lately. I have the luxury of having several friends now, so I recognize it’s good that one can go missing and not leave me feeling like a three-legged stool that lost a leg. But still, I liked this friend, and I miss them, miss their take on things and their unique voice in my personal Greek chorus. Because the friend is a guy friend and not a girl friend, chasing him down and saying “Hey, whatup? Where’d you go?” would be a mistake.
There are several possibilities as to why this friend may have disappeared, the most likely of which is “I’m too danged busy to keep tabs on you, a marginal friend/acquaintance, right now.” But in the event that he’s trying to gracefully exit my life because, for whatever reason, being my friend isn’t what’s best for him, then I’m going to gracefully let him go.
See? I can learn this letting go thing. 🙂