“Got the weight of the world on me…” – Aretha Franklin, The Weight
I have been carrying too much around lately.
Too much responsibility for things that aren’t rightly my responsibility.
Worries about things I can’t control.
Other people’s deep dark buried secrets that are bubbling to the surface.
And carrying that weight has slowed me to a crawl.
It’s forced me to lay aside things I love and care about.
I dropped out of counseling training once again. I backed off from my commitment to post as a part of the ka-tet on Thoughtwrestling. I’ve basically given up writing here. Haven’t managed to make it to a single women’s fellowship since December. I have been inconsistent at best at keeping my health and wellness commitments (and my emotional state shows it.)
Some changes are going to have to happen; and they’re not going to make some people very happy. This is incredibly difficult for me, because part of me needs to have other people happy with me at all times. But I’m learning to call that what it is: a form of slavery and idolatry.
And I was born to be free.
If the last ten years have taught me anything, it’s that I’m so much stronger than I thought I was. “Deeply emotional and expressive” does not equal fragile, and just because you may not be comfortable with weeping and loud laughing, that doesn’t make it a character flaw or a sign of weakness.
I am ridiculously strong, because I am strong in Christ’s love, mercy and grace. I am strong because I can acknowledge my weakness and know that I don’t need to pretend to be flawless. I am strong because I am enough. I have enough. Enough is a beautiful word to me these days.
But being strong is not a reason to become an existential pack mule whose efforts allow others to avoid developing strengths they need.
It’s time to lay some things down.