Decisions, Decisions

Well, a mere one week into my Purpose Filled sabbatical, and lo and behold, I had a revelation. Let’s just say I got conked in the head with part of that other 8/9ths of reality that my personality tends to ignore. And it tweren’t pretty.

I was watching “The Butterfly Effect” with TDO, and I think the message of the film was going directly to my backbrain or something. All of a sudden, a bunch of random “knowings” clicked into place and made a clear picture–one I had never really particularly wanted to face before. I saw a fast forward of scenes from my life, clippings from movies, songs and books, and it all formed this weird collage in my head. And I sorta went nuts and started crying and muttering stuff, which tends to disturb TDO a bit. We had a good talk afterwards, a very authentic talk, and I apologized for sort of blurting out some hurtful stream-of-consciousness during my overloaded state.

By this morning, I’d sort of made sense of it a bit more. It’s all linked; all the things I’ve studied and experienced in the last few years, have been leading up to this moment. Okay, “moment” is a little limited: this period, perhaps, is a better word. This is the point where either I “get” it, or I miss the point entirely. Some random thoughts so far:

  • It’s not about me.
  • I am a segment in a line: my parents are the segment before me, my children are the segments after me. And just as my parents set the initial direction of my line, I am setting the initial direction of my kids’ lines.
  • It takes tremendous strength to change direction.
  • Strength comes from being loved and accepted.
  • God is the best, purest source of love and acceptance.
  • My parents did the best that they could.
  • I have done the best that I could.
  • I can see where I can do better. It will be hard.
  • To do better, I have to see past MYSELF.
  • Looking past myself isn’t the same as ignoring or neglecting myself.
  • Three years ago, I was extremely disfunctional.
  • For the past three years, I have ignored basically everything else besides working on my issues.
  • I have more work to do, but I can’t keep ignoring everything and everyone else and obsessing. It has to become A priority, not THE priority.
  • My heart has expanded to include a lot of people.
  • My responsibilities have expanded beyond my ability to manage them all.
  • I need to prioritize and trim down my responsibilities.

Well, that’s the bulk of it for now. Must get back to work.

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