Got to work this morning in a blue funk. And there’s really no good reason for it. Everything in my life is going just swell, except for one thing, and I’m allowing that one thing to take up too much of my thoughts and energy.

My issues with my family haven’t really gotten resolved. I just more or less took a break from dealing with them. And in that time, they’ve basically called when they want something or to tell me what I’m expected to do. They include me when they feel like it, which is basically the bare ass minimum of the time.

And it doesn’t help that it’s rapidly descending into autumn. Last autumn, my mom took her final turn for the worse, and was dead by Christmas. The previous autumn, she went into the hospital for what we thought was pneumonia and turned out to be terminal lung cancer. The year before that…aw crap, let’s not even go there. Let’s just say when the weather turns colder, I start looking for a frigging bunker to hide in until spring.

TDO has been beyond awesome. He’s somehow managed to become a strong, assertive, sexy man I can lean on, without losing any of his humor, sensitivity, and caring. Junior is plugging away at mastering second grade and being as sweet as pie. Queenie is a joyous, passionately indignant little being. Granny and Papaw are a constant, no-nonsense loving presence. I’m starting to really develop some close female friendships both online and in the real world–women I can depend on, who accept, hell, admire, me exactly as I am. My little business is starting to flourish, and I’m really hitting my stride in my main job. And yet…

My dad has barely spoken to me since he found a new girlfriend. My sisters have made no secret of the fact that they get together often to visit and do things together, and no secret of the fact that they have no interest whatsoever in including me. They are planning some big party for Dad’s retirement, to which I am expected to contribute funds and nothing else. I wonder if not attending would make them mad, or relieved? I could do what they all did at my vow renewal: show up for five minutes, speak to no one, and then run like my ass was on fire.

My middle sister wants to have Thanksgiving at her house. I want to go about as much as I want to have a wisdom tooth extracted. Of course, if we don’t go, it’s because I’m shallow and miffed that it’s at her house. Couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the fact that they can’t be bothered to give me the time of day the rest of the year.

My birthday is two days past my Dad’s. My sister mentioned that Dad’s girlfriend is taking him out of town to celebrate. I would bet any takers a million dollars that NOTHING is done for my birthday, despite the fact that we’ve gotten together and had a party for both brothers in law and middle sister’s birthdays. Baby sister has her birthday this week–I would bet anything that there will be a get together, which we will hear about at the last minute, if at all.

I am so damned tired of this. What does God expect me to do? Go there and smile politely as they treat me like dirt?

1 Comment

  1. Day-by-Day
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    (the poster formerly known as Life Goes On)

    Kat, okay I confess. I have checked on MB Ladies almost once a day since deleting me MB Reunion account. It’s hard to go cold turkey.

    I read your last few posts here. Sometimes I think we are so much alike – you must be a 4 with a strong 5 wing, and although the tests always show me with balanced wings I know I am a 5 with a strong pull toward 4. I wish I had your ability to express my thoughts and feeling with such clarity, though.

    Your last question – what does God expect you to do? You have the right idea – you sent it out into cyber space, but maybe you should ask that question more directly (like in the form of prayer)?

    If you want, read my blog for more relating to this, which has been a big struggle for me lately.

    My user name is Day-by-Day, blog address in daybyday5.

    Reply

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