“Never mind your worries, never mind your fears, they can only take you far from me. When you feel there’s nowhere left for you to turn, well I’ve got all you want, and everything you need. So come on back to me.” – Third Day, Come On Back To Me.
I hate screwing up. Hate, hate, hate it.
The main reason I hate screwing up is pretty much the same reason I do pretty much everything. Because part of me suspects that no one really wants me around. So I perform. I exceed expectations. I make everybody laugh. I self-deprecate.
Deep down, I feel like a cosmic imposition on reality. Like God forced my presence, my needs and my general weirdness on the world, and I need to make it up to everyone somehow. Honestly, almost everything I do is me trying to make it up to everyone that I exist.
So I’m uncomfortable with not overdelivering. I’m anxious when I’m not uber-needed and indispensible and hyper-useful. Because if I’m not doing these things, then someone might realize it and give me the boot (like I secretly suspect they’ve wanted to all along). They’ll realize I’ve outlived my usefulness as an employee, a friend, a relative, whatever.
And God help us all when I legitimately screw up. Because then I’m just asking for it. Abort! Abort! Abort! Danger, Will Robinson!
Now, part of me is aware that this isn’t reality. That many people do, for some unknown reason, genuinely like me. But it’s really hard to remain connected to that truth when I’m smack dab in the middle of my own failure.
At these times, the only thing that saves me is clinging to Christ. And I know that for some people, that sounds like a bunch of religious baloney. But I know that for me it’s not. There is a Christ, and He values me, and I am enough to Him. I can connect to that, cling to that, when any “rational” argument I or anyone else makes to me just bounces right off my hard head.
I don’t know if anyone else can relate to this on any level, but I had to write this today. Because today was one of those days when I needed to cling. And when I did, when I made myself connect to that truth, I found peace. Peace for the day. Peace to quiet my fears even while I still believed the bad things I feared might come to pass.
Someday, there will be another day like today. Because I’m a flawed human being in a fallen world. And on that day, maybe having written this now, I’ll remember and cling again.